If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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