Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
