bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
