Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
