Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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