I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
