I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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