you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I checked into jail on foursquare
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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