I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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