hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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