She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
