If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
