Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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