i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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