I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
