Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
