headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
