I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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