Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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