I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
