I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
