she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
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Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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