totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
