This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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