he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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