watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
