I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
