Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
