I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
