The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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