I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
