I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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