we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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