He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
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I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Pooping to opera.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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