My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
