happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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