put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
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Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
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Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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