Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
