Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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