Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
