dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
