What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
