i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
