i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
