If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
