I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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