What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
