this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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