i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
