Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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