How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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