Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I came so hard my ears popped.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
