don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
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I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
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Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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