very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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