my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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