Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
