Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize