youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
