i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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