There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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