What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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