if you like me you must not know who I am
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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