you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
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My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
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I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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